Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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