When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize