you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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