he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
