i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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