I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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