My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
