I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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