So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
