So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
