i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
