so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
