I feel like abortions should bother me more
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
