WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
