I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
