she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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