u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize