this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I deserve this hangover.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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