How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
