my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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