i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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