Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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