Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
