someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
