he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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