He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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