It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
