I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
