im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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