have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
