I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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