Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
