FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
