Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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