I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
