Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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