After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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