Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
