I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm both gender and math confused
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
