I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize