there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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