My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
