is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
