Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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