you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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