Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
