I think my vagina is haunted
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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