so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
MIDGETS
????
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
