I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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