the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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