hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize