just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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