it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
