sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
