there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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