FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
