I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
