Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
